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When Emotional Pain Looks Like Manipulation: Oxbow Academy

By Stephen C. Schultz


The teenage years are often full of complexity—especially for young people who struggle with impulse control, social understanding, or emotional regulation in relation to Problematic Sexual Behavior (PSB). For some, this difficulty is compounded by co-occurring conditions like Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), ADHD, or Nonverbal Learning Disorder (NLD). These teens may unintentionally find themselves caught in compulsive, confusing, or embarrassing situations—sometimes involving inappropriate behavior with siblings, neighbors and friends or accessing dark corners of the internet.

As these patterns continue, parents are often left feeling overwhelmed, frightened, and unsure of what to do next. Some worry that law enforcement or government agencies might get involved. Others have already experienced the fear of having electronics confiscated or home environments scrutinized. In the midst of this chaos, many parents recognize that their child’s behavior isn’t just about rule-breaking—it’s a symptom of deeper emotional and developmental struggles that need specialized intervention.


At Oxbow Academy, we support families navigating these complex situations. Our students arrive carrying not just the weight of poor choices, but also the pain, shame, confusion, and fear that often accompany them. Many have spent years avoiding emotional discomfort by manipulating their environments, retreating into fantasy or digital spaces, or clinging to familiar patterns of control. While these strategies may have helped them cope in the short term, they ultimately block growth—and leave families feeling stuck.

When a child has a broken bone or a severe illness, there’s often a clear treatment path. But when the wounds are emotional, they’re harder to see—and harder to treat. Emotional pain in adolescents rarely shows up as tears or vulnerability. Instead, it often looks like defiance, blame, withdrawal, compulsive behavior, or outright denial. And when treatment begins, that pain doesn’t magically disappear. In fact, it often intensifies before it begins to heal.

That’s why disruption is such a key part of the treatment process at Oxbow Academy. Students must step away from the environment where their unhealthy behaviors were reinforced and into a structured, therapeutic setting where those behaviors no longer "work." While this disruption is deeply uncomfortable, it is also essential. Without it, real change is negligible at best.

Sometimes, when students first arrive, they try to regain control the only way they know how. They might call home and exaggerate discomfort, appeal to specific parental fears, or shift blame to others. For instance, a student may focus on food preferences, rooming conditions, or daily routines—carefully tailoring their complaints to what they know will worry their parents the most. Others might withdraw, refuse to participate in therapeutic work, or test boundaries with staff.

These behaviors aren’t manipulative in the traditional sense—they’re protective. They are a student’s attempt to use old adaptive emotional tools in a new environment, not yet realizing that different skills are needed to thrive. At Oxbow, we anticipate these moments. We don’t view them as setbacks, but as valuable insights into a student’s internal world—insights that help us guide treatment in a more personalized and effective way. Please allow me to share an example:

It was April on the front range of the Rocky Mountains—a time of year when the spring weather comes and goes, bringing warm sunny days followed by cold, restless nights. A 16-year-old student was recently enrolled at Oxbow Academy for further evaluation and a functional assessment. He had been there for less than a week and was on a weekend call with his parents. Voices rose, and frustration was clear on both sides. The student was expressing how much he hated being at Oxbow, while his parents tried to explain how much he needed the help. At one point, his voice sharpened as he shouted, “I don’t like it here, and you can’t make me stay! I’m leaving!” With that, he  threw down the phones headset and stormed out of the room. A burst of cold air trailed behind him as he crossed the road and disappeared into the nearby KOA campground, slipping beyond staff who followed closely behind. In a fit of anger, he walked off into the night. Staff spent the next few hours searching. Eventually, the student made his way back to campus—still upset, a little cold, but noticeably more humble. He was met with a warm drink, gentle conversation, and a chance to process his emotions before being tucked into bed for the night, albeit under strict supervision.

Families often experience their own version of disruption. Over time, even dysfunctional dynamics can start to feel “normal.” Parents may have adapted to walking on eggshells, bending rules, or rescuing their child from consequences—just to avoid daily battles. Breaking out of that cycle takes courage and support. That’s why family involvement is central to healing at Oxbow. We walk alongside parents, helping them rebuild healthy boundaries and reestablish their role as loving authority figures—not as peers, peacekeepers, or emotional shock absorbers.

We understand this may be one of the most difficult periods a parent will face. The emotions involved—fear, guilt, exhaustion, and grief—can be overwhelming. But this discomfort is also a doorway. With the right support, students begin to develop healthier coping skills, stronger accountability, and a clearer understanding of themselves. Parents begin to reclaim their own clarity and confidence as well.

Healing from Problematic Sexual Behavior is possible—and it starts with a willingness to interrupt what’s not working. At Oxbow Academy, we create a space where disruption leads to growth, and where both students and families can begin the hard, hopeful work of transformation and re-establishing a relationship with honesty.


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