By Stephen C. Schultz
(Editor's note: This is a very sensitive subject and may be uncomfortable to read. The information in this post is essentially focused on schools and therapeutic programs that have a residential component.)
The chairs were all in a half-circle. There must have been over fifty, all filled with students. Banners from various colleges and universities hung from the rafters. The dull roar of multiple conversations, all happening simultaneously, cut through the air and echoed off the walls. I stood in front of the crowd and waited. The conversations and dull roar slowly faded, like a train disappearing into the distance.
All eyes were now on me. I asked one question:
“Who can tell me what grooming is?”
I have spent my career working with families and teens through some very difficult times. I am a partner in a specialty care facility called Oxbow Academy. Oxbow specializes in treating teenage boys from across the globe who are burdened with the socially sensitive concerns of sexual trauma, sexual abuse, and sexual addiction.
Please allow me to share an experience that opened my eyes to a dynamic occurring in residential treatment settings as well as traditional boarding schools across this country and around the world. Technology plays such an integrated and important role in our lives every day that it’s difficult to realize there is a downside to its use.
Children in today’s world are being exposed to “sexuality” in various forms at an increasingly early age. Many of the boys enrolled at Oxbow Academy report being exposed to pornography as early as four years old. Some are able to manage this exposure in an age-appropriate way. Others find themselves caught in a net of increasingly unhealthy, compulsive behavior.
I was asked by a residential program that works with boys to have a discussion about appropriate sexual behavior while in treatment. No program or school wants to deal with sexual acting out. There is the potential for having to report an incident to law enforcement. There is the dread of communicating with parents, school counselors, and educational consultants to explain how it happened. I have even seen treatment programs and schools drawn into legal battles between parents of kids who acted out. These are always emotionally charged situations that are a struggle for all involved, including the students.
I have facilitated this conversation with the staff of a few different treatment programs and schools. However, this was the first time I had spoken directly to the students.
I started by asking the boys if they knew what grooming was. A few hands shot up immediately, and I got answers like combing your hair and brushing your teeth. I mentioned that they were right and that hygiene is an important part of residential living.
I then went on to explain that grooming is also a way for one student to set up a situation over time that leads to some type of sexual encounter with another student. Many of those attending had blank stares. So, I shared that sometimes, when involved in horseplay or wrestling, a particular student may grab someone in the crotch or touch them in a way that feels inappropriate. And then, when confronted, there is an instant excuse:
“… it was an accident, what are you talking about?”
But you kind of know that it wasn't.
I also mentioned that it can happen through non-verbal actions such as eye contact, passing notes, drawing pictures, giving gifts, flashing someone from the shower, etc. Some in the room started to squirm a bit. Most students were now engaged in the conversation.
I went on and asked if they knew what frottage was. No response. I mentioned that this is when someone bumps into you or rubs up against you while in line at mealtime, walking down a hallway, or standing in a crowded space. It can always be excused as an accident, but it is sexual in nature. I explained that this action isn't about immediate gratification but is used later in fantasy during masturbation. The act of frottage is a form of grooming that intentionally crosses personal boundaries in a disrespectful way for the purpose of self-gratification.
I then directed the conversation to masturbation and the socially appropriate place and time. We discussed the fact that masturbating in bed at night is not appropriate in a residential setting. It can be classified as “Public Masturbation” or “Publicly Lewd Behavior” under the law. However, I mentioned that the law isn't the real reason it’s inappropriate. The real reason is that it is simply selfish and thoughtless behavior. There is no concern for the thoughts and feelings of roommates or others in the dorm. From a clinical perspective, the "social boundaries" are virtually non-existent. The lack of healthy social boundaries later in life can bring dire consequences. In a residential setting, there is only one place that is socially appropriate to masturbate, and that is in the bathroom.
Here is what I learned:
The vast majority of students breathed a sigh of relief. All of us in that room had an open discussion held in an adult, respectful manner.
However, there were also two students who struggled. One student openly started rocking in his chair and disrupting the conversation to the point where the therapist had to intervene and have him sit by the therapist. Another student went and sat by the wall in the corner, obviously expressing emotional distress.
Clinically significant sexual concerns thrive in secrecy. I can’t emphasize that enough. Clinically significant sexual concerns thrive in secrecy. When there is open and honest education about language and behaviors concerning sexual issues, the socially inappropriate behaviors of those few high-risk students become exposed. Those few students then react in a stressful way. They, in essence, rise to the surface and can no longer hide. It was apparent that these two students needed further attention and evaluation. When talking with the residential staff, they already knew those two boys were “outliers” from the rest of the population. Neither of these responses was due to trauma; it was a reaction to future secrecy and manipulation being disrupted. It was a response to their peers now knowing their secrets.
I must mention that this scenario has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Socially accepted, respectful behaviors are the same whether a student is gay or straight, male or female.
With regular discussions like this one, residential cultures can stay healthy, and those students who are high-risk can be identified, treated, and have their emotional burdens lifted in a caring and compassionate way.
You can learn more here: www.oxbowacademy.net
New Help! New Hope! No Secrets!
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