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Holiday Insight: Finding Grace in Imperfect Relationships

 By Stephen C. Schultz


As we once again head into the Holiday Season, it is important to be aware of the impact of the holidays on those we love and care about. The holidays are often described as a time of joy, family, and celebration. But for many, they bring a quieter reality - one marked by stress, loneliness, or the resurfacing of painful memories.

For some people, the holidays represent connection and renewal. For others, they stir up what has been lost, what never was, or what once hurt too much to recall. The very things that make the season feel special - music, smells, family gatherings - can also awaken deep emotional undercurrents, especially for those with a history of trauma.


Why the Holidays Can Trigger Past Trauma

Many people who have experienced trauma - especially early childhood or relational trauma - notice that this season brings unexpected emotional intensity. Science now confirms what survivors have long known: certain times of year can activate implicit memories stored in the body and nervous system.

  • Sensory overload: Bright lights, crowded stores, certain songs or smells - all can overwhelm the senses and act as unconscious reminders of times that felt unsafe.

  • Unspoken expectations: Family gatherings often come with subtle scripts about how one should behave or feel. For trauma survivors, this can lead to anxiety, shame, or hypervigilance.

  • Anniversary reactions: Even without a clear memory, the body may “remember” what happened in the past around this season.

  • Disrupted routines: Travel, altered schedules, and reduced access to normal supports (like therapy or quiet space) can make regulation harder.

  • Relational strain: Old dynamics reappear. Sometimes, the people we share holidays with are also part of the story of our pain.

As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk writes, “The body keeps the score.” Holidays can be one of those times when the score is felt, whether or not it’s consciously recalled.


Healing Through Awareness and Boundaries

Recognizing these patterns doesn’t make the holidays easy, but it does make them manageable. If this season feels heavy, try:

  • Identifying your triggers - specific smells, songs, or interactions that tend to bring distress.

  • Planning ahead - know your limits and communicate them. It’s okay to say no, leave early, or take breaks.

  • Practicing grounding - use breathing, sensory focus, or simple phrases (“I’m safe right now”) to stay present.

  • Creating new traditions - rituals that reflect who you are now, not just where you came from.

  • Giving yourself permission to feel what’s true. You don’t have to perform happiness to be worthy of love.

The Family Connection: Where Healing Begins

Family is often where trauma begins - and also where it can begin to heal. Even small moments of kindness, listening, or forgiveness can rewire emotional patterns. Sometimes, however, families need structured help to make that healing possible.



A Holiday Checklist for Families Healing from Trauma

Before the Holidays
☐ Identify likely triggers (music, relatives, travel, etc.)
☐ Set clear boundaries for what you can and cannot do
☐ Arrange ongoing support (therapist, friend, faith leader)

During the Holidays
☐ Take sensory breaks—quiet walks, deep breathing, or time alone
☐ Focus on one meaningful connection instead of pleasing everyone
☐ Avoid perfectionism—presence matters more than performance

After the Holidays
☐ Reflect gently on what went well and what was hard
☐ Talk through experiences in therapy or family meetings
☐ Celebrate progress, however small—it counts

Closing Thought

The holidays remind us that relationships matter - not just the ones that look perfect in pictures, but the real, imperfect, ongoing work of learning to love and be loved again.

Whether your season feels peaceful or painful, let it also be honest. Healing is, in its own way, the deepest kind of celebration.


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