By Stephen C. Schultz
Enrollment at Oxbow Academy is always an emotional experience—for both students and their families. The transition represents a major shift in life and relationships. At Oxbow, we encourage families to remember that our work is centered on a single guiding principle: “Developing a Relationship with Honesty.”
When your son expresses resistance—whether by saying things like “Oxbow isn’t a good fit for me” or “I don’t belong here”—it’s important to recognize what’s really happening. These statements are not about whether Oxbow is the right program. Instead, they reflect resistance to authenticity and honesty. Students often come with a “center of the universe” mindset: “The world needs to adapt to me.” This belief is not entirely their fault—it’s something that has developed over time, often through well-intentioned patterns within families, schools, and communities.
To better understand why this matters, let’s take a step back and consider some key ideas.
Habits, Adaptation, and Everyday Life
From infancy to adulthood, our lives are filled with routines. We crawl, ride buses, drive cars, do chores, and go about our days often without noticing the patterns we live within. These patterns shape how we view the world, even when we don’t realize it.
Here’s a story that illustrates this point:
One morning, my mother was driving me to school. Our conversation was sparse, and I stared blankly out the window while the radio played. Suddenly, I realized we weren’t at school—we were in the hospital parking lot where my mother worked as a nurse. Out of habit, she had driven to work instead of the school without noticing.
Psychologists call this habituation—when something becomes so familiar that we no longer notice it. In another example, researchers tell the story of a man who moved near a cattle feedlot. When he asked the townspeople about the terrible smell, they simply replied: “What smell?” Over time, they had adapted and stopped noticing it.
The same thing happens in families. Habits form. Roles solidify. And without realizing it, these patterns shape how children and parents interact long-term.
Key Concepts to Keep in Mind
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Adaptation / Habituation
When a stimulus remains constant, our response to it becomes weaker. Over time, we stop noticing. Families also adapt—sometimes in ways that make growth harder. -
Locus of Control
If you believe you influence what happens in your life, you have an internal locus of control. If you believe outside forces (authority, luck, systems) determine your life, you have an external locus of control. Most healthy functioning lies somewhere in between. -
Extinction Burst
When a behavior is no longer reinforced, it may initially increase dramatically. In children, this looks like a temper tantrum. In teenagers, it can appear as refusal, arguing, or escalating defiance. -
Life of Avoidance
Avoidance provides temporary relief from anxiety, shame, or discomfort, but it prevents long-term growth. Over time, it can become a deeply ingrained coping strategy.
How This Shows Up in Families
As parents, you’ve spent years advocating for your son—through doctor visits, IEP meetings, therapy sessions, school interventions, and community conversations. This advocacy is important and necessary. But over time, a pattern often emerges: children learn that their locus of control is external.
When students experience distress, they may rely on parents or professionals to “step in” for them. If that doesn’t work, they may escalate—an extinction burst—because, in their experience, increased distress brings increased support. This isn’t manipulation as much as it is habit. It’s what they’ve learned works.
At Oxbow, we see this play out when students give one-word answers on parent calls, complain about therapy, or insist they don’t fit in. These responses reflect long-standing family roles: the student depending on parental advocacy, and the parents stepping in to manage.
For growth to occur, those patterns need to shift. Not disappear—but shift.
The Shift Toward Self-Advocacy
Part of Oxbow’s mission is to help students move from dependence on external advocacy to healthy self-advocacy. This shift can be painful for both parents and students, but it is essential for long-term independence.
Your son may struggle. He may resist. He may say things that are difficult to hear. But this is part of the process. Our role at Oxbow is to disrupt old patterns, provide structure, and help students internalize a healthier sense of control.
For parents, this means learning to step back—not because you are less important, but because your son must begin to step forward. You have gone above and beyond for him. Now it is his turn to develop independence, resilience, and self-advocacy within a safe, structured environment.
Moving Forward Together
As your son grows in these ways, your relationship with him will also grow. The parent/child dynamic will shift from dependence to mutual respect. Over time, you will rely less on Oxbow for “answers” and see progress revealed in how your son interacts with you directly.
Please know that we are walking alongside you in this process. We spend countless hours with your son—listening, guiding, and prompting. While the work may feel unfamiliar compared to past treatment settings, it is intentional and grounded in years of experience.
This is not an easy journey, but it is a transformative one. Thank you for trusting us to partner with you and your son in developing a relationship with honesty.
If this sounds like something that would be beneficial to your son and your family, you can learn more here: www.oxbowacademy.net
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