Parenting Insight in the Era of Phones and Technology
By Stephen C. Schultz
The tears were running down her cheeks and dropping to the
floor like small raindrops. There wasn’t the sudden heavy sobbing that
accompanies truly despondent news, but there was some silent shallow breathing
and the recognizable blurry vision that comes from the eyes slowly welling up
with tears.
I stepped around the counter in the kitchen and asked my 16
year old daughter what was wrong. She was obviously in some distress. Like most
teens, she simply stated;
“Nothing”
So, I pursued it a little more;
“Come on hon…what’s the matter? Obviously, something is
bothering you.”
She responded;
“Nothing…really. It’s stupid.”
She eventually opened up and confided in me. It was some
pretty normal teenage drama that most parents have seen and experienced many
times throughout their lives, but to the teens it is new. I asked a few
questions that included the old journalist mantra of “Who?, What?, Where?,
When? and Why?”
During her explanation of the situation, she continued to
mention how she had “Spoken” to her friend Gabbi. She continued to reference
their conversations. I finally asked her;
“So, you spoke to Gabbi?”
“Yes”, she said.
I repeated,
“You called her on the phone and had an actual
conversation? You heard her voice and the two of you spoke?”
With a crinkled brow and a heavy sigh, she responded;
“Well…no…we texted each other. “
This may not seem like a big deal. In fact, I would bet that
almost all teenagers and the majority of adults have probably been in similar
situations. It’s just how society is now days. Communication is such an
important aspect of relationships and very few people actually understand the
importance of eye contact, non verbal ques and body language.
This was the “straw that broke the camel’s back”.
You see, this was the culmination of many conversations about appropriate use
of the phone. The disengagement from family, the constant social media
activity, the bells and chimes and noises that constantly required attention
from her. It was becoming obvious that the “phone” was impacting my daughter in
a negative way. It was apparent that the illusion of relationships was
affecting her actual relationships in a negative way.
My wife had been diligently trying to keep up with the
latest “Apps”, but quickly found herself in a continuous cycle of “Cops &
Robbers”, always one step behind the latest technological advance. It had
grown, over time, into a situation where our teenage daughter was living a
separate life in our home and communicating with others who we had no idea who
they were, many from around the country.
Now, before you think we are “Over-Protective” or
“Helicopter Parents”, I simply want to point out the difference before the
smart phone. Remember the days of the
family phone being in the kitchen on the wall. It had that big long cord so you
could step around the corner and have some perceived privacy. When someone
called you, it could be anyone in the family that answered. Then there would be
the loud call out to whoever was wanted on the phone. If your parents answered,
they usually knew who the other kid was and even the other child’s parents.
When you spoke on the phone, usually there were others around and you simply
accepted the fact that conversations were rarely private. Not so today!
So, after a conversation with my wife, we decided to switch
our daughter’s phone to a “Flip Phone”.
We anticipated a fight and temper tantrum. We thought for sure there
would be the typical accusations of what bad parents we are and how no other
kids will talk with her now. How she will lose all of her friends and live a
torturous life the rest of her days with her parents.
Well, it did not happen. She actually accepted the change
pretty well. My wife took her to the store and let her pick out the style and
model she wanted. She spent some time figuring out how it worked and has
actually received some positive feedback from friends because she has the “cool
retro” phone. She randomly mentioned to me the other day that she actually
“spoke” to Gabbi. She can call and text,
but she has no internet access or social media accounts anymore. And do you
know what, she doesn’t seem to mind. She has re-engaged in the family and has
expressed that she is glad the change was made.
I happened to be in a Sunday School class a couple of weeks
ago. The topic of technology came up and there was some conversation around how valuable tech is today and how it has added to many positive aspects of
personal life as well as business. A young father mentioned how technology is a
“Tool” to be used and the sooner we can help our children learn how to use the
tool, and do so responsibly, the better. We see this attitude and perception in
elementary schools. We see parents giving tablets to babies in strollers and
handing phones to kids in car seats while driving. As this conversation was
happening, I had this nagging thought that I simply needed to express.
Yes, technology is a tool. Yes, it brings a lot of good to
the lives of many. Yes, it is the way of the future and we need to embrace the
positive aspects of technology. However, as with every tool, adult wisdom and
supervision is also needed. There needs to be teaching and mentoring that takes
place. As a child, I had those wooden blocks that you would pound through the
appropriate hole with a little wooden hammer. It taught me fine motor skills
and coordination. It helped me know what to do when I used a real hammer to
nail boards together to build a bike ramp and a go cart. While my father had a
table saw, I used a cross cut hand saw.
My family history is that of loggers in
the Northwest. There were many tools being used to harvest timber during the
early 20th century. New tool technology came about to revolutionize
the work they were doing. However, there was wisdom in not giving an eight year
old a chain saw.
Just because we as adults think that smart phones and other
technological advances are great tools, does not mean that they are appropriate
for all age groups. It takes insight, wisdom, determination and a commitment to
healthy relationships to help teens and children navigate the waters of new and
exciting future technology.
Below are three articles that I hope are helpful. A simple
internet search will bring up much more information, articles and research if
you are interested.
Teenagers
and Technology Article from UK
Technology
and teenagers Article from Australia
If you find yourself in a position where the technology
use is chronically out of control, where anger outbursts are common when use is
restricted, or sneaking and lying is more the norm, it may be time to seek
professional help. If your parental “Gut Feeling” tells you some kind of intervention
is needed, then Residential Treatment Centers, or RTC’s can sometime be a good
option.
I’m interested to know if you have had similar
interactions with your teen. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I need
to or is there some truth to my concerns? Please share so others can gain some
perspective on this much needed societal conversation.
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